Beef burger

Me: Pa, can we eat beef?

Old man: Normally, for a Buddhist, we are not supposed to..blablabla........*further explains on the reasons*

Me: But then, why do you still eat it?

Old man: Good food in life should not be wasted. If we don't eat it, then who will?

Me: ....................

The most expensive fishing bait in Penang

MY BLACKBERRY.

Don't ask why.

Sarcasm

The level of sarcasm in my family is eminent. Instead of telling you that you are fat, they'll do stuffs that you yourself can't think of.  My mom will always come up with ridiculous exaggerations. For instance,

1) I gained weight. She'll tell me this," I went to the zoo with your younger siblings just now. How come you're there as well?" *She was referring to the hippos.*

2) I got no money. I called my dad and asked for it. He replies," Is RM3500 enough for you?" As always, I'll definitely say yes. The old man continues," Never mind. Later at night I'll just bring your mom to one of the lorongs." *Well you can figure out yourself what does he mean by that*

3) Yunee, my sister got 23rd place out of 25 in her class for her finals. "I know why you didn't get last. Cos one student cannot read, while the other is probably blind."

4) Mom was frustrated. She called us so many times for dinner, but all of us were busy watching Tv. She stormed in, and said this," I am a maid in the morning! Opens up a laundry shop in the afternoon. A chef in the evening and a prostitute at night!" *everyone went........kru.........kru.........kru..........*

5) I have a Malay girlfriend. Planned to go back home on a weekend so I informed my parents. Dad: "Make sure before you board the bus you go for your Friday prayers okay???" =_______=

6) We are heading out for dinner. Mom complains to Ryan that he is fat. At the same time, she said," Hey, how come your brother is over there?"

*while pointing at this*

For Asgard!!!

My Dad has always been a fan of Action movies. Be it the flying China men, or Indian superpower-one-man-kill-all 100-people. Any action movies will do.*no pun intended.*

Ryan had just finish downloading Thor Blu-Ray. According to that old man, he is very fond of this Thor guy. When I asked him whether he knows Thor, he told me this to me, " I know him very well. He's the guy with the hammer. "
*It's pretty obvious isn't it.* =__=

If like that, this guy can also be Thor kan?

Anywayyyyy, since the movie is too heavy, we transferred it to our desktop, which is in the study room. All of us watched it already, EXCEPT for the old man. It was around 5 PM when the movie started. He told us earlier, that we will have our dinner once the movie finishes. So yeah, all of us went up, watch Tv, while the old man sits alone downstairs.

So we waited.

6PM, belum habis.

7PM, belum habis.

8PM, he is still downstairs!

9PM, OLD MAN IS STILL DOWNSTAIRS.

Total : 4 hours.

Generally speaking, movies suchlike Thor usually takes about 1 hour plus. Max, give it two hours. But its been 4 hours and the old man is still the room. All of us got hungry already. *Do note that for a typical Chinaman, 9PM is considered  to be SUPPERTIME already, not DINNERTIME.*

So Ming went down to check him out. To his surprise, the movie was not even half-way through! And you know what, the whole movie was actually in slow-mo speed. Yes, in SLOW-MOTION. Every scene was slow-moving.
Even Thor was speaking like this, " THEEEEEEEEEEE................ANSWEERRRRRRRRRRR............YOUUUUUUUUUU.................

What actually happened: Old man accidently pressed the slow-mo button. And he didn't even realize it.

I quote this from him. " It was too slow that I can remember every single thing that happened in that movie. It made me focused too much."

4 hours of watching a 30 minute worth of movie-time? Thor was not even exiled out of Asgard yet!

Haih, Old man Old man.

Kena Tinggal TWOPOINTZERO

Speaking of kena tinggal, it has been my duty to live in this world, to be "tinggal"-ed. You name it. In any occasions, or at any places. It comes to a point I'm used to it. Can't blame anyone really. I totally agree with what my Mom told me," When you do something, you like to take your own SWEET TIME doing it even though its urgent." And she's right. When I'm asked to do something, I'll take my time. I mean, MOST of my TIME doing it. Hence, DAYDREAMING is me. Life is all about chillexing don't you think?

These are the events of "kena tinggal" that I can actually think of right now.

1. Standard 3. Bus normally arrives at 6.45 AM. At 6.40, I was not in my pants yet. I was savoring myself, looking at the view, the birds outside the house yard, and other stuffs. I was in my own trance. Suddenly, BAM! a shoe flew over out of nowhere. It hit me real hard. Then this comes along, "Yuan, your brother already left for school! What were you doing all this while?!!" It was already 7.20 AM. #ONEWORD: Cibai.

2. Booked a 12 noon flight to Kelantan for myself. *Do know that we went there separately.* 10AM: Still enjoying my burger in KL CENTRAL. I thought," Ala chilllllllll lah, how long will the rapid bus take to reach LCCT!? 30 minutes max!"
So I went down to the counter, and asked this Abang-Jaga-Kaunter.
I said, "Bang, bas ni pergi LCCT kan? 30 minute confirm sampai kan?"
He replied, "Kau ingat BUS ni boleh terbang!!?"

So cancel plan to ride the bus. Called my friend, and we sped off to LCCT. As we reach LCCT, it was 11.50. I ran, so freaking fast. *Not so fast lah actually since I'm 90kg* Anyway, reached the check-in counter. "Bang, saya nak check-in untuk flight to Kelantan pukul 12."
He smiled, and replied," Adik, kapal terbang tu dah kat atas tu haahhh." *while he points up*.

WOE IS ME really.

Called my dad right after. I explained. He only say this to me, " You think that plane is WEE-ASIA is it?!! Have to follow your own timing!?!"

Okay now I emo. No more stories. 

*HANYA DALAM KENANGAN*

YES, HANYA DALAM KENANGAN.

Annoying Old Man

Received a text message from my dad,

Dad: Got enough money?

Me: Actually no. *Further explains why* I need to pay utilities, plus the house rent, toiletries, grubs, money to go back Penang this weekend.

Dad: Actually I'm just joking. Go ask mummy. Bye.


-______________________________________________________________-

Kena Tinggal

I was in Port Dickson, Negri Sembilan when I was 6. There used to be a roundabout in the midst of the town. *Not sure whether it's still there*. So, it has always been a competition to rule the middle seat at the back, especially when you are in a car. Cos when you get to seat in the middle, you'll get to feel all the air-cond you want. Sooo cold, soooo breezy. Its like heaven, especially when the sun is right on top of your head.

Whenever we fight to seat in the middle, my brother will do whatever it takes, be it punch, pinch, tease, disturb, yell, threatens to kill himself, threatens to run away, threatens to voluntarily be kidnapped, threatens to kill the cat, threatens to kill frogs, cockroaches, ants etc. You name it. Being a typical wuss, I do what I normally do best. Cry.

Hence to stop all that, what Dad would do is very simple. He'll put us at the sidewalks alongside the roundabout. Bear in mind that the shopkeepers nearby are actually my Dad's friends. Whenever he leaves us there, he'll signal his friends hence they will keep an eye on us. And then, he'll say this," Let you kena kidnap by bad people. Because all of you are very naughty." In our minds, it means that he'll leave us there to rot. We kept on crying. Then he'll take a small u-turn *pretending to leave us* in less than a minute and fetch us back. By then, we are already as quiet as a mouse.

There was once, the same thing happened again. But this time, it was me alone. I was crying really bad. Dad dropped me off, made a U-turn and WALLA! I was not there.  He freaked out. Things went wrong this time. Went to ask his friends, they said I was walking that way. Dad and his friends kept looking for me for almost one solid hours. Finally at that moment, he finally found me. I was.eating ice-kacang, in the apek's ice-kacang. stall. I wasn't crying anymore. Instead, I waved at him happily and said, "I told uncle I got no money to buy ice kacang, cos you left me. So I got this for free!"


POMMMM! Kena penampar seround. :S

Since that day, no more kena tinggal, thanks to me. :)

Kutu Shampoo

Kutu Rambut. The most annoying thing living on your freaking head. It makes you scratch and scratch and scratch and scratch and scratch and scratch and scratch and scratch and scratch and scratch and scratch and scratch all the freaking time. What is more, it makes people look at you as a freaking dirty unhygienic person. 

When I was 6, my brother had this problem. And my Amah (orang gaji), being a typical Malaysian said to him," Ming mesti banyak duduk dengan orang India ni." *no pun intended*

So my dad, being the SOLUTION for every PROBLEM in this world brought those kutu shampoos. Washed my brother's head. Rinse it. Apply the shampoo. Scrub it. Scrub it some more. Scrub it more than before. Scrub. Scrub. Scrub. Scrub. Scrub. Scrub. Scrub. Scrub. Scrub. Scrub. Scrub. Scrub. Finish up the whole shampoo bottle. Scrub. Scrub. Scrub. Scrub. Scrub. Scrub. Scrub. Scrub. Scrub. Take Shieldtox and spray all over his head. =______=

The End.

P/s: Ming had to shave his whole head right after. Kutu gone, PROBLEM SOLVED, daddy's style.

Snap Snap Snap

This is taken from my family portrait picture. And this is what you get when you demand too much from the photoshop guy to edit your face i.e. your eyes to be bigger. And the result is, one hideous out of proportion, misplaced eyes. Cibai.

Note that my left eye is focusing at one place, and the other, is bigger, and looking at another direction. Nice.

The day the Tooth Fairy became busy.

The picture says it all. This was the time when my brother first realized he can ride his bicycle without holding both handles. I was 5 back then. My brother's intention was, to show off. But then again, as he speeds up, heading downhill, he lost control. So to save himself, he immediately clinch on the brakes. But he forgot that the brake rosak along time ago. =___=
So as I walked out the house, I can hear those loud annoying screeches and yes, I witness a little boy, trying to stop his bike, dragging both his feet alonggggg the way, and BAM! He hits the wall, HARD.
As a result;
1) Bruises all over his body
2) 6 gigi patah
3) bicycle splits into half

When you see a bike is separated into half, you will defintely conclude that this is a total lost. How can you actually fix a bike that is already split in half!? But being a typical smart "Chinaman", my dad has his ways. You know usually when your bicycle rosak, you just bring it to the bicycle shop for some repair. In our case, we actually brought his bike to a welding shop. Yes, a WELDING shop. Even the welding guy laughed his ass off. He said," Ini first time dalam hidup saya nampak basikal belah dua ni. Naik pegi perang ka?" True story.

P/s: I know the picture looks like a 5 year old doodling. Heck, I love doodling.

I Love You

Back when we were kids, I share a room with my brother. Every time during bedtime, we talk   And out of the ordinary days, I will tell my brother, this: "Hmmmm, our parents are actually okay you know. I love themmmm." And guess what. The very next day, I will kena rotan from them. Be it I came back late from the field, or I broke something. Something will eventually come up the day after. And it only happens after I told my brother those 3 special words. I.LOVE.THEM.

Hence, I've concluded that this is definitely a CURSE. Up to one point that my brother forbids me to never ever say that to him. If I want to, I'll just write it up and show it to him. And that one also confirm kena rotan. True story.

Brotherhood

As I stated earlier on, I was raised with good, yet extremely strict parents. My dad is a military officer. Hence, you can figure out how our lives has been as kids. *Bare in mind that this is not a some sort of an oppression towards my love ones. It is just some old stories I wanted to share.*

As a kid, you often argue a lot with your siblings. In my case, I have to admit, I am those cliche "PUSSY-CRYINGALLTHETIME" kid. I am very manja, and I cry too easily. Having a big brother who acts like those villains in the cartoons makes it even "better". Trust me, my brother, used to be one hell of a DEVILISH kid. An extreme naughty one I must say. Once he tied a cockroach onto a flying firecracker, torch it and let it fly up high. More extreme than that, he once took a frog, tied it up, use the bicycle pump and pump the shit out of that frog. You can seriously witness how the frog bloats bigger and bigger. Nevertheless, there's me. Every time my brother does all that, he will definitely call me up and show it to me. And as always, I will cry. At that point, my brother will tease me even more, and I will end up...well you know what's next.

So here's what my dad will do. He rotans. And then we cry. And to avoid getting more rotans, we cry  LOUDER. Sometimes, we insert those sobbing that made us look as if we were about to die. For instance, we would roll around, yell, and pretend that our hands and legs are broken. And yes, that never works. What he would do next is to make us stop crying and arguing. So what does he do? He forced us to hug each other, TIGHTLY, and watch TV. Eventually, we stop crying. Thinking of it now, how can you actually put two boys who are about to kill each other to watch cartoons. And the best part is, to hug each other.

And that my friends, is what i call, a coerced "BROTHER"-HOOD.

4 years old : Tadika Port Dickson

YELLOW BUS

Being confident is good, but being OVER confident may lead you to something rather disastrous. I was 4, and it was my first day of kindergarten. On that day, I could recall the glimpse of kids crying, hugging their parents, feeling rather reluctant to go into school. Whilst for myself, I had some tough love from me dad. Wearing his military uniform, we walked into school. As we entered, Dad pointed at the school yard, and said," That is the place you will wait for your school van okay? Remember to always ask if you don't know anything." And then he left for work. 

Being a pre-kindergarten student, I was too excited. Hence, I could remember nothing.

Ring! the school bell went off. Everyone was running and rushing out of the school compound. So was I. As I reach the school yard, I saw one super cool yellow bus parked outside my kindergarten. And I thought to myself, " Anyone who rides this to school must be a super cool kid." So I went up the bus, and neither did i realized that I was supposed to go back by the van parked exactly behind that bus. 

Being inside the bus was pretty cool. You know, at the age of 4, anything you do that is out of the ordinary is definitely cool. In my case, riding the YELLOW BUS. As expected, I was the last boy sitting in that bus. So the driver asked me, "Boy, are you lost? How come you are still in this bus?" And I bravely replied," I was supposed to go back by van, but this bus is awesome!" 

Guessing that he was pleased and proud at that moment, he offered to send me back. I was clueless as to where I stay, but I do know landmarks leading to my house. So I directed him to my house. Remember, I was 4 at that time. As I reached the front gate of my house, I can see both my parents and my school principal. They looked rather stressed I guess. But heck, I was too happy, so I proudly waived at them, giving them the widest smile ever.

As I came down, I thanked the bus driver, and gave him a hug. He explained to them," Anak awak salah masuk bas lah. Nasib baik dia ni banyak pandai tunjuk jalan." At the end of the day, despite being grounded from watching Ultraman and also Sonic the Hedgehog for one whole week, I realized one thing. I can be easily distracted. From doing what I was supposed to, I swift to do something that attracts me more. 

Hence, it shows that I was troublesome back then, yet still is now. FML.

Genting Highland 1991

*!@#&!%*!@*#&!*@#(!*@#

I was once a quiet child. In fact, too quiet that my parents thought I was mute. This was a story told by my Mom.- Back when I was a baby, I cry less. As I grow older, around 2-3 years old, I was a quiet kid. A boy who doesn't seem to give two shits in just about anything. So quiet that every time my parents ask me anything I would just nod.

It was such a huge matter that scared my parents. My dad decided to bring to specialists, physicians, and even some tok bomohs. There were too many things running through his mind i.e.:-
1) I may be deaf
2) I may have some tongue problem
3) I may be retarded
4) I may be too ignorant
5) I may be dumb


But none of them actually said I had these problems. 


Now, I am beyond the definition of quiet. If you know me well, you'll know that I'm very very talkative. Hence, this was the conclusion my dad made after listening to this story told by my Mom.
" That was the biggest mistake bringing you to see all of them. Look how talkative you are now. There goes my money."


=____=

Ice cream kills.

There was Mega Sale back then when my parents decided to shop for CNY. As always, being a dumb kid I love to play hide and seek, "ESPECIALLY" when there's a lot of people around, in the "SHOPPING MALL". Back then everyone was rushing, pushing, pulling all the good stuffs there was. And to be a Chinese, it is a must for you to "PARTICIPATE". Hence, my mom did. 

I was running around like a fool, hiding in between clothes and stuffs, expecting my parents to catch me. Even before entering the mall, Mom reminded me, " Do not play hide and seek here, bad people will take you away and chop your hands and make you a slave." Yet, I was stubborn. I ran, and I hide, and at one point, I was lost. I shouted, I screamed, I cried yet no one entertained me. At that moment there's only one solution, FIND YOUR MOTHER. So I did. 

Suddenly, in approximately 5 minutes of being lost, a good Samaritan came to me. He asked, "Adik, mak ayah dekat mana?"- which means where are your parents. And I innocently replied, "They went shopping!" And he responded, " Adik suka makan ice-cream tak?". *Bare in mind, being a 4 year old kid, when one offers you an ice-cream, it's near to impossible for you to say no.* So I said, "Nak! Tapi mak cakap jangan ikut orang tak kenal." That guy quickly grabbed my hand and pointed to the ice cream stall, which was very near to the exit of the mall. At that time, I wasn't thinking that much. My head was only filled with flavors of yummy creamy ice-creams. So I followed him. I even told him I wanted 3 scoops of chocolate ice creams.

As we were about to reach the ice cream stall, he grabbed my hand even tighter than before. It was as if he was trying to pull me out of the mall. I was really scared at that time, but there was nothing I can. I wanted to cry, but I can't. I was too scared. 

Reaching only a few more inch to the exit, I heard a scream. A very loud scream. "Woi!!! Jangan culik anak aku!!!!" I turned around, with my wrist seized by that guy, and saw my mom dashing towards me. She was screaming her lungs out, despite having so many people around her. I can see tears shredding down her cheeks. At that moment, I couldn't feel the grip on my wrist anymore. The guy speeds off through the exits without even looking back. At that instance, I know, that if I were to follow him out, I might be in Thailand, or probably in Myanmar already. Even worse, I might be kidnapped. Hence, ICE CREAM KILLS.